Ten hot tips on how to succeed in eco-consultancy

1. Never find anything!

2. Learn how to look busy not finding anything.

3. Never put your failure to catch anything down to the fact you are covered from head to foot in fluorescent yellow or orange.

 4. Position dormouse tubes where your paymaster can see them (which of course means they won’t catch squat!)

5. Ditto reptile refugia.

6. Believe the low capture rate of reptiles on your freshly strimmed site is down to emmigration not the local Magpies and Kestrels.

7. Gas badgers for money.

8. Believe a hole full of water is ready to be a GCN breeding pond

9. Pretend that bottle trapping newts in the summer is safe

10. Be willing to claim that your failure to find 13 badger setts along a 1km pipeline route (including one which regularly blocked the local road) was down to recent immigration.

If you do any of the above please either;-

A. re-train as an accountant

B. jump off a cliff (Obviously after checking to ensure that no protected species will break your fall)

4 thoughts on “Ten hot tips on how to succeed in eco-consultancy

  1. Bill

    I think you also missed the liberal use of the ‘charisma scale’

    pretty, easy to identify and is readily spotted on nice, warm sunny days (not after 5pm) = 5
    dull, uninteresting, difficult to key out, probably (but not exclusively) better searched for in the early morning / late evening and/or night time = 0
    anything that makes an appearance when its raining = -5

    This can also be applied directly to species observation:

    pretty, easy to identify = high chance of being recorded / surviving
    dull, uninteresting and generally some shade of brown = high chance of forming part of the foundations

    The ‘charisma scale’ can also be applied to winning work too – but I’ll let you expand on that.

    Reply
    1. jonty Post author

      Given the number of articles published about how many cock ups people are making just trying to find the few species we are supposed to look for, it is just as well we dont have to get the new eco army to look for anything obscure!!

      Grey Squirrels and parakeets are very charismatic to some, unfortunately! that is why they are here to stay!

      Reply
  2. Mark

    Addendum:
    thous shall not
    - Suggest Chinooks for gas pipe delivery to save churning up moorland if the intervening habitat is so piss poor and so below favourable conservation status it qualifies as amenity grassland

    - Roll over wishing for a vertebrae when CCW sanction ground works in a reptile receptor site. In December.

    - Think membership to the most catholic proving ground for ineptitude somehow qualifies you as a naturalist

    - Believe just because you read Environmental Science and you have proven flare for auditing waste that you have anything useful to contribute to the Ecological Statement

    Thous shall
    - try to keep conscious during surveys to detect species other than your target

    Amen

    Reply
    1. jonty Post author

      Try to find species other than your target what heresy is this?? That would stop your company sending someone else and charging another fee, can’t have multi-tasking, I mean , it takes so much expertise to check for our enormously diverse vertebrate fauna!!

      Reply

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